Many of the TV series MASH‘s best quotes come from the wise Hawkeye. Played by Alan Alda, the wise-cracking Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce became one of MASHs most lovely letters. Arguably, the show wouldn’t be the same without the comic relief character who often shows his heart of gold. Hawkeye has many notable quotes throughout the series that range from sarcastic to heartfelt.
MASH Ran for 11 seasons, from 1972 to 1983. The show is set in a mobile hospital during the Korean War. It follows the lives of American doctors and soldiers at the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (or MASH). Many episodes of MASH They have been rewatchable for over 50 years since the series ended, a testament to the strength of the show while it was airing. A major part of why the show and its humor still work is because of Hawkeye’s sass and anticsWhich are always entertaining.
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“I want a martini that could be declared a disaster area.”
Season 3, Episode 10: “There’s Nothing Like a Nurse”
Although he takes his job as a doctor seriously, Hawkeye often likes to let loose, especially in the form of a drink. throughout the series, Hawkeye is shown drinking hundreds of alcoholic beveragesIncluding many martinis. At one point, he even claims his lifelong quest is to find the boldest martini he can.
In his order to the bartender in a season 3 episode, Hawkeye requests, “A very dry, dry, barren, desiccated, veritable dust bowl of a martiniThis emphasizes how particular he is about his drinking habits. It also shows his creativity, especially in his clever wordplay. His close friend Trapper also joins the order and shows his support, asking for the drink with two straws.
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“I’m not sleeping, I’m checking the inside of my eyes.”
Season 3, Episode 3: “Officer of the Day”
Hawkeye thrives off witty one-liners and sassy retorts, exemplifying his quick-thinking skills. In the season 3 episode, Hawkeye is declared the officer of the day While Frank was gone. With the title, he gets an armband and a sidearm holster, even though he refuses to carry a gun.
Hawkeye uses his OD duty to nap, though Radar is adamant that he should be working. After Radar questions why Hawkeye is sleeping, he quickly retorts, “I’m not sleeping, I’m inspecting the inner eyelids.” Hawkeye uses militaristic leadership terms like “Inspect“To humorous effectEspecially since it almost seems official enough to get rid of radar. However, Hawkeye finally wakes up to help a local bystander who needs medical attention.
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“There are no innocent bystanders in hell, but war is full of them.”
Season 5, Episode 20: “The General Practitioner”
In a rare moment of seriousness, Hawkeye reflects on the many tragedies he saw during the war. While he and his coworkers are in surgery together, helping to stitch up people, they also chat about what’s going on. The conversation helps to create discourse, lightening their mood and the tone of the show, which could be very serious if not for the comedic relief moments.
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As Hawkeye and everyone work, He discusses the tragedy of who it is they often have to work on. Hawkeye says that war is worse than hell because everyone who ends up in hell deserves to be there, while war usually involves many innocent bystanders. The crew all agree that although they are happy to help the victims, it is a shame that they have to be involved in the war.
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“Now I know why they shoot people at sunrise. Who wants to live six in the morning?”
Season 7, Episode 1: “Commander Pierce”
In the first episode of season 7, Hawkeye is put in charge of the camp while the other leaders are away. The promotion is to Hawkeye’s great displeasure, as he realizes all the responsibilities of running the camp. of course, Hawkeye also sees how to use his new power to make things easier for himself.
When you report to Radar at 6:00 the next day, Hawkeye bursts into the office in a robe and asks to let him sleep alone. He clears the desk and puts his head downReady for a nap, as the new wake-up call was much earlier than he was used to. This is much to Radar’s dismay, who worries that the paperwork won’t be completed in time, and Hawkeye refuses to take the job seriously.
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“Frank cracked up here.”
Season 2, Episode 1: “Divided We Stand”
Hawkeye never misses an opportunity to make fun of the Chief as part of his long-standing feud with Frank. Hawkeye is driven by his mischievous nature to disobey authority And make fun of an easy target like Frank. Often, Frank doesn’t even realize he’s the butt of the joke until it’s too late, just fueling Hawkeye’s jabs.
Even when Hawkeye sympathizes with Frank, he often has ulterior motives. When Frank refutes Captain Hildebrand’s claim that he is cracked because of the war, Hawkeye seems to jump to Frank’s defense. However, the other shoe drops, as Hawkeye says Frank was cracked when he arrived, claiming he was holding “A Bible in one hand and a pair of shorts that said ‘hold me’ in the other.“By the time Frank realizes what Hawkeye is insinuating, it’s almost too late to repel.
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“I take along my right side arm and my left side arm.”
Season 5, Episode 10: “Hawkeye Get Your Gun”
In the episode, Hawkeye is randomly chosen to accompany Potter to leave the base and provide additional aid to a Korean hospital. When the two get into the jeep, Potter notices that Hawkeye doesn’t have his gun. When asked about his firearms, Hawkeye is quick to come up with excuses about where his gun is And why he chooses not to wear it.
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The two men have a back-and-forth, where Hawkeye refers to his gun as an old lover. When Peter asks about the “Sidearm“, Hawkeye claimed to have two sided arms, referring to his hands. Potter doesn’t find it funny, and finally, Hawkeye surrenders and brings his gun. The episode is filled with Hawkeye’s anti-weapon antics As he shows up.
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“Well, I have a stethoscope fetish, it’s the only place I can wear one without attracting attention.”
Season 1, Episode 17: “Sometimes You Hear the Bullet”
Never one to miss an opportunity to joke, Hawkeye sometimes pretends to be a fool to shave others. When Hawkeye walks into the operating room during a sensitive conversation with Frank. Frank, who is already on the defensive, snaps at Hawkeye, asking why he is there.
Taking Frank’s question literally, Hawkeye quickly claims to have a stethoscope fetish. This is obviously a joke, meant to be at Hawkeye’s expense, but is actually another jab at Frank, making fun of him for an obvious question. Hawkeye then doubles down, Calling Frank an idiot and then correcting to “my fellow idiot”, considering Frank’s military rank.
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“I’ve discussed you with everyone I know, they all think you’re disgusting.”
Season 5, Episode 3: “Margaret’s Engagement”
Hawkeye takes a more supportive role in this Frank-centric episode, though he still can’t help but make fun of Frank a bit. Frank walks into the room upset and goes up to Hawkeye, thinking he can catch him off guard. He tells Hawkeye, “You mean me.“ But before he can get in another word, Hawkeye uses his words against him, telling him that he “discussed” him, and the consensus is that Frank himself is disgusting.
Frank is not in the mood to be amused by that. But throughout the episode, the people bond more than usual, with Hawkeye’s sympathetic side comes out While Frank is in a time of need. The men even share a few laughs at the end of the episode, though their dynamic remains relatively hostile throughout the series.
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“All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, excitement.”
Season 3, Episode 5: “OR”
In an unusually dark episode of MASHThe doctors deal with a lot of deaths and casualties during a long session in the operating room. The episode has a notably darker tone, even with Hawkeye’s occasional quip. Under the face of such pressure and importance, Hawkeye struggles to be funny, knowing when to take his job seriously. That was it MASHs first episode without a laugh track.
While they work, Hawkeye questions why the Americans are under attack. In a semi-sarcastic monologue, he discusses the intentions of the American soldiers, putting a slightly cynical spin on the goals of the military. To all this, Frank calls Hawkeye “Certified insane.” Hawkeye’s speech here is quite notable, viz MASH was created as a metaphor and critique of the Vietnam Warwhich was ongoing at the time of the show’s production, drawing parallels between real life and the fictional world.
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“I’ll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of WWII leftover bread, and don’t make it taste good.”
Season 2, Episode 1: “Divided We Stand”
in a long time, Hawkeye did not like the food they were served at the camp. He is constantly afraid of the state of the food and its smells and textures. He is even known for ruining the meals for the other doctors, as he complains and investigates the consistency too much, making it difficult to stomach.
Hawkeye has many quotes throughout the show where he discusses and complains about the food. There are even references to their meals being leftovers from World War II, which would have taken place nearly a decade earlier. In the quote, Hawkeye immediately references his distaste for the mess hall food, Ask for it to be unpredictable so he knows what to expect.
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“Dear Harry, who is responsible? Sign that, ‘Dear, Dissatisfied Customer’.”
Season 2, Episode 5: “Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde”
Time and time again, Hawkeye proves himself to be a good doctor who is dedicated to his work. In the season 2 episode, helicopters of injured soldiers arrive at the hospital almost non-stop. Hawkeye shows his dedication by working on the wounded for almost three days straight. Although many urge him to get some sleep, he cannot stop trying to help.
Unfortunately, his lack of sleep in the episode begins to affect him. He starts to question the purpose of the war in an almost paranoid fashion. His friends have to put up with a lot of his antics, especially Radar, who often encourages Hawkeye to sleep. Hawkeye asks him to write a telegram to the president with the message, “Dear Harry, who is responsible?“
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“Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, any war is a movie.”
Season 1 Episode 6: “Yankee Doodle Doctor”
In another of Hawkeye’s famous quotes about the seriousness of war, he challenges the claim that war is like a movie. He also explores the frailty of life, citing that the man on the operating table once lived, and now he has a fifty-fifty chance of survival. He feels that although he would like to do as much as he can as a doctor, He is no match for a killing machine, And it is much harder to save a life than to destroy one.
The irony is that many movies and TV shows depict war, including the one he’s in.
Many episodes with more serious scenes and themes have A monologue or comment from Hawkeye acknowledging that it can’t all be fun and games. The dramatic scene was in an early episode of the series, Exhibition mushIt’s a more cynical take on the war. Despite everything Hawkeye says, the irony is that many movies and TV shows depict war, including the one he’s in.
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“Shooting is too good for him. Lock him in the kitchen.”
Season 7, Episode 20: “Hot Lips is Back in Town”
In the episode, Hawkeye dresses like a general, With BJ as his assistant, and tries to stir up some excitement in the camp. As part of his joke, he approaches Margaret and Major Winchester, asking about women. When Winchester tells Hawkeye to “play the comic opera elsewhere,BJ and Hawkeye continue their antics, with BJ asking if he should have Winchester shot.
In his continued crusade against the food on base, Hawkeye says that being shot is a better fate than being locked in the kitchen, What he thinks is the appropriate punishment. In the scene, he also makes a joking advance to Margaret, part of a running gag on Hawkeye and Margaret’s impossible romance. They were beaten and teased until they were sent out of the room.
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– Dad, I may never see you again, and before you go, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time. This shirt is on the back burner.
Season 11, Episode 16: “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen”
The last episode of the series is full of tears and heartfelt goodbyes. Even Hawkeye has quite a few emotional partings, especially with those he’s been antagonistic to throughout the show. however, Even he can’t be serious all the time and has to sneak in a few more quips Before the 11-season franchise came to a close.
As Hawkeye says goodbye, he tells Father Mulcahy that he has a final confession to make. he says The priest’s shirt is on his back, at his collar. Dad Mulcahy doesn’t seem to get the joke but joins in when he sees Hawkeye and BJ laughing. He embraces Hawkeye in a final embrace.
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“Our motto is Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Happy Hour.”
Season 7, Episode 24: “A Night at Rosie’s”
In this episode, Hawkeye and some friends camp out at Rosie’s bar, enjoying the distraction of drinking. They decree that how long As they are in the bar, the war outside does not exist And can not affect them. They declare that Rosie is the new country of Rosieland, with the motto “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happy hours,“A clear play on American values.
This episode is a prime example of Hawkeye’s frivolous lifestyle, viz He insists on enjoying life and friends rather than working and giving in to stressors. Throughout the series, his serious side is sometimes shown, but at heart he is really interested in having a good time and bringing out joy. It is one of Hawkeye’s many funny quotes that prove he is the heart of MASH And often the show’s much-needed comic relief.