Ducky’s best quotes on NCIS perfectly summed up the coroner’s peculiar personality. For more than two decades, David McCallum played Dr.the team’s veteran chief medical examiner. The character unfortunately left the series in NCIS season 21 after David McCallum died at the age of 90. Fittingly, the cast of NCIS paid tribute to his beloved colleague and dear friend in a Ducky tribute episode.
Ducky was full of wisecracks and Scottish charmmany captured forever when the NCIS cameras rolled. Ducky’s best quotes span all eras of NCIS, with the A man from UNCLE actor serving as a constant part of the show he was a part of. Until McCallum’s death, Ducky was a veteran of the series, until the actor’s fate reflected the character in NCIS season 21.
15
“Well, that depends. Who is your grandmother?”
NCIS Season 10, Episode 12, “Shiva”
David McCallum said: “Well, that depends. Who is your grandmother?” in NCIS season 10, episode 12, “Shiva.” Ducky was working all night with Abby and McGee when Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar went to NCIS headquarters in search of Ziva David. Ducky joked that the director should “get a number” since everyone was wondering the same thing about Ziva, and everyone was worried about her at that moment.
Bodnar’s retort suggested that Dr. Mallard was just an older man with no real business at NCIS, asking, “Whose grandfather would you be?“However, Ducky returned the attitude, responding with a memorable joke that showed he didn’t take an insult lying down. The look on Bodnar’s face showed that Ducky’s response was perfect and made the moment even more applause-worthy. .
14
“I can’t wait to weigh your liver.”
NCIS Season 1, Episode 16, ‘Bête Noire’
Ducky said: “I can’t wait to weigh your liver,” to NCIS antagonist Ari Haswari in season 1, episode 16, “Bête Noire”. The Mossad double agent sneaked into NCIS headquarters in a body bag and held Ducky, Gerald, and Kate hostage at the autopsy. Ari told Ducky that if he or anyone else lied to him, he would shoot Gerald in the shoulder, which he did after Ducky and Kate tried to trick him.
Ducky was trying to stop Gerald’s bleeding when the phone rang as Gibbs called from MTAC on the other line. Ducky instructed Kate to stop the bleeding and then spoke carefully during the phone call. as Ari instructed him. When I hung up the phone, I told Ari I couldn’t wait to weigh the liver. This was a harsh statement, as Ducky practically let Ari know that he wanted to see him die and that he would take pleasure in the moment he conducted the autopsy. It was Ducky’s most hardcore line.
13
“I have a hunger problem.”
NCIS Season 20, Episode 4, ‘Leave No Trace’
Jimmy and Ducky were having lunch at the restaurant when Ducky said: “I have a hunger problem” in NCIS season 20, episode 4, “Leave No Trace.” MCRT’s ME was coaching Jimmy about feeling jealous in his relationship with Jessica Knight. After the meal was interrupted by a case, Ducky sat in an ambulance, with Jimmy expressing concern about his heart condition. Dr. Mallard responded with this observation, requesting that McGee and Torres bring him a fresh sandwich.
This was a funny moment, but it suited Ducky perfectly. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to worry about him, and he often avoided anyone’s concerns about his health. Ducky was older than everyone else at NCIS headquarters and was always worried about people looking down on him, thanks to his age. He would deflect all concerns for anything health related, and this was a perfect example, simply saying he was hungry and nothing else.
12
“Would you like me to perform an autopsy under your command?”
NCIS Season 6, Episode 8, ‘Cloak’
Ducky asked Leroy Jethro Gibbs, “Do you want me to perform an autopsy on your command?” in NCIS Season 6, Episode 8, ‘Cloak’. After the team went to investigate a dead sailor in a box, Tony and Ziva returned to the top-secret military facility to learn more. In a flashback to three days earlier, Gibbs was shown in the autopsy room fiddling with his watch while Dr. Palmer and Dr. Mallard settled business.
When Ducky asked what he was still doing there, Gibbs took off his watch and said he was “just killing time.” In a perfect display of the character’s humor, Ducky asked if Gibbs wanted him to perform an autopsy under his command.executing an excellent joke to get back to Gibbs’ language. Throughout your time NCISDucky was often quick on his feet when it came to his dry sense of humor, and Gibbs was often his audience.
11
“Use the clutch! God, man, use the clutch!”
NCIS Season 3, Episode 2, ‘Kill Ari Part II’
Ducky said: “Use the clutch! God, man, use the clutch!” in NCIS season 3, episode 2, “Kill Ari Part II – without a doubt one of the best episodes of NCIS. Ari captured Gerald to lure Ducky out of NCIS headquarters. When Ducky meets with them, the villain executes his plan to kidnap the MCRT’s ME. Mallard was unaware that Ari intended to let Gerald walk away from the situation unharmed, so he instructed his assistant to take his car and run as soon as he found Ari at the other end of the block.
As Ducky greeted Ari, Gerald tried to take off in Dr. Mallard’s car, but was unable to change gears. Ducky shouted this phrase as Gerald took the gears out of his classic car while he and Ari cowered. This was a good-natured joke during a very tense moment in NCISwhich given Ducky’s dry sense of humor and pathos, worked perfectly from him in the moment.
10
“Oh please, it’s not that impressive. It’s not like they’re real ninjas.”
NCIS Season 4, Episode 6, ‘Witch Hunt’
When the team was called to investigate a crime on Halloween night in NCIS Season 4, Episode 6, ‘Witch Hunt,’ said Ducky, “Oh please, it’s not that impressive. It’s not like they’re real ninjas.” After Gibbs, McGee, Tony, and Ziva assessed the crime scene and came up with a plan, the NCIS medical examiner’s van finally arrived. However, the front windscreen of his van was splattered with eggs, which worried his colleagues when they saw him walking towards them.
Ducky apologized for being late and explained that they had “a little disagreement with some local youths.” The scene was funny, as his classmates were obviously worried about a group of young people who had suddenly ganged up on the elderly Ducky, but as he does most of the time, Ducky shrugged. He emphasized that they were just kids and not “real ninjas,” so he wasn’t worried, and his classmates should stop worrying about him too.
9
“It doesn’t matter, Mr. Palmer. Rest assured that by my side you’ll be rocking it.”
NCIS Season 13, Episode 18, ‘Scope’
Ducky said: “It doesn’t matter, Mr. Palmer. Rest assured that by my side, you’ll be rocking it,” in NCIS season 13, episode 18, ‘Scope’. Tony, McGee and Ellie made a “spring cleaning pact” to motivate each other. Agent Very Special reported to his team that he cleaned out his junk drawer and found a gift card for the Italian restaurant Angelini’s. Jimmy decided to go along, but he was the only one without a motorcycle license.
As he worried about his circumstances, Ducky handed the quote to his successor, who climbed into the sidecar and rode into the night. This was hilarious, as Jimmy was more than half Ducky’s age, but the longtime medical examiner was someone who was still moving full steam ahead in life. Of everyone who got on the bikes that night, Ducky was the least obvious and ended up being the most self-assured, which doesn’t surprise the character.
8
“The sky is blue, the grass is green, can we have our Halloween?”
NCIS Season 4, Episode 6, ‘Witch Hunt’
Ducky said: “The sky is blue, the grass is green, can we have our Halloween?” in NCIS Season 4, Episode 6, ‘Witch Hunt’. The doctor delivered this phrase to a girl, Sarah, who had a traumatic Halloween night and missed out on all the fun. When she was rescued, it was still Halloween night, resulting in Sarah trick-or-treating in the bullpen.
Ducky told Sarah the rhyme is how they used to say “trick or treat” in Scotland. Ducky was full of signs of wisdom and it was a mark of him to share knowledge from his past to brighten a moment in someone’s present, but it was especially cute that he cheered up a downhearted child. Although he often seemed strict and rude, Ducky also had a heart of gold, and when it came to someone like a little girl in need, he was a perfect gentleman.
7
“If you listen, the dead will speak.”
NCIS Season 15, Episode 3, “Exit Strategy”
Ducky said: “If you listen, the dead will speak” in NCIS season 15, episode 3, “Exit Strategy”, when he was at the University of Edinburgh in Scotland, giving a guest lecture and receiving an honorary degree. In the talk, Ducky revealed his philosophy as a medical examiner: if a person spoke to the dead, they would respond. He discussed a case of central importance to his philosophy, in which a murderer disposed of a body sewn inside another corpse.
In the lecture, Ducky advised inspired students to know who was at their table and talk to them. This quote was special to Ducky because he presented his philosophy to a room full of excited students. Although some of the students were skeptical of Ducky’s process of talking to dead bodies while on the NCIS autopsy slab, he told the students that it was where the dead revealed their secrets. This was a message that Ducky lived by NCIS, and he wanted to ensure that the next generation understood this too.
6
“You and I both know that all of life is a near-death experience.”
NCIS Season 14, Episode 21, ‘One Book, Two Covers’
Dr Mallard said: “You and I know that all of life is a near-death experience,” in NCIS season 14, episode 21, “One book, two covers,” and the quote perfectly summed up Ducky’s personal and professional life. Mallard and Dr. Palmer were discussing dead bodies at the NCIS autopsy. Jimmy commented that it was sad to see people arriving young. Although Ducky agreed, he offered a different perspective.
The quote perfectly described the coroner’s outlook on life because although he was an optimistic soul, Ducky had seen more than his fair share of deaths. Your comment suggested that Ducky acknowledged that everyone on Earth was lucky to be alive. He, more than anyone, as an experienced medical examiner, knew that death could always be around the next corner. Ducky was at a stage where it didn’t matter if people were young or old; everyone’s deaths were the same in his eyes.
5
“Yesterday ended, as sad as it may seem. But change is the essence of life.”
NCIS Season 19, Episode 5, ‘Face The Strange’
Dr Mallard said: “Yesterday ended, as sad as it may seem. But change is the essence of life.” for Jimmy in NCIS season 19, episode 5, “Face the Strange.” The moment is so essential to the Ducky character that it was revisited in NCIS’ Ducky tribute episode. Shaken by the loss, Jimmy asked Dr. Mallard to stay and help him with an autopsy, to which Ducky responded with the quote. Ducky’s words in Season 19 stood out because Ducky didn’t comfort Jimmy by getting.
Mallard knew that Jimmy needed to adapt to the changes in his life, so he refused to stay with him after Gibbs left NCIS. Instead, when his successor faced the loss of his wife and most trusted co-workers, Ducky helped Jimmy adjust to his new reality. It seemed harsh at the time, but Ducky knew Jimmy didn’t need someone holding his hand; he needed someone to help him understand that moving forward was much more important than looking back and seeing what once was.
4
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
NCIS Season 13, Episode 14, ‘Carry On’
Ducky said: “If you’re going through hell, keep going” in NCIS season 13, episode 14, “Keep Going”, giving Jimmy what he called one of his “favorite advice of all time.” When Abby handed Jimmy cookies at the autopsy because he had been pouting all week, he revealed that he felt sad because his wife had been out with their daughter during the week. When Ducky hears Jimmy complain, he encourages him to continue.
The doctor was quoting Winston Churchill with this sign of wisdom. It’s central to the message of the episode. Later, when Jimmy was on the side of a building trying to convince a young man not to jump, he passed on his predecessor’s advice, and it was meaningful to see Jimmy pass on Ducky’s words of wisdom. This was easily one of Jimmy’s best moments in NCIS and it was proof that not only did Ducky give the best advice, but Jimmy was always listening and learning from him.
3
“You must live for today because yesterday has passed and tomorrow may never come.”
NCIS Season 3, Episode 22, ‘Jeopardy’
Dr. Mallard said to Jimmy: “You must live for today because yesterday has passed and tomorrow may never come” in NCIS Season 3, Episode 22, “Jeopardy”, reminding his successor of the fleeting nature of life. The pair were working on an autopsy when Jimmy commented that his victim was “so young.” Ducky responded with the quote, saying it was advice from his father. Ducky revealed even more, telling his successor that his father never followed his advice.
The doctor recalled that his father was known as “miser“ and that his frugality was one of the reasons his mother left. At one point, Ducky even called his father “Santa Scrooge“. This was a big moment as Ducky rarely talked about his own personal trauma, but here he showed that he learned enough from his father’s mistakes to ensure he would do things differently, which led to a very more satisfactory.
2
“You know, Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.”
NCIS Season 1, Episode 4, ‘The Immortals’
A sailor and a petty officer were involved in a mysterious murder investigation, and the conclusion was so bizarre that it prompted a memorable quote from Ducky. Abby explained that the death resulted from a competition that started in a video game called The Immortals and it was carried out in real life. After Abby explained what happened to the victim, Ducky uttered the quotewhich was so perfectly Ducky.
David McCallum’s character was known for talking to his dead victims on the NCIS autopsy slab. Ducky could often make sense of an impossible situation, understanding his victims better, trying to see the full picture of who a person was. When Ducky told Abby, “You know, Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living,” in NCIS season 1, episode 4, “The Immortals,” he certainly means it.
1
“If humanity focused less on what separates us from each other, we would stop killing each other.”
NCIS Season 7, Episode 10, ‘Faith’
Dr. Mallard was discussing religious politics with Dr. Jimmy Palmer when he shared this pearl of wisdom. Religion and how it can divide people was the central theme of the episode. The victim was a Marine who converted from Christianity to Islam, which caused ruptures in his relationship with his family. Ducky recited the quote when Dr. Palmer questioned him about the rituals of Islam.
In the full quote in NCIS Season 7, Episode 10, ‘Faith,’ said Ducky, “Maybe if humanity focused less on what separates us from each other and more on what we could learn from our differences, we would stop killing each other.” It was a Christmas episode, and Ducky didn’t shy away from what he was thinking about that holiday. Ducky never understood living humans, and he often tried to understand them better after they died. Maybe if people tried harder to understand, there would be fewer deaths.